Hello Professor,
Once again I'm sure you won't read this. But, since it's past midnight and sleep hasn't caught me yet, I'll tell you (or whomever happens upon this blog) what's currently on my mind.
3 30mg capsules of Cymbalta, 2 30mg tablets of Buspirone and 1 50mg tablet of Trazadone. Every night of every week of every year since I was 16. I've taken 6 (sometimes more) behavioral medications every night for 3 years. Just for reference that means...
42 pills in a week
168 pills in a month
2,190 pills in a year
6,570 pills since I was 16...
and no end in sight. In fact, they just INCREASED my dose of antidepressant. AND I'm still depressed. Most of the time. I have a couple good days a week, but the rest are covered in a foggy gray. It's a life of irrational thought after irrational thought, followed by a self-deprecating joke here, a self-mutilating night there. Don't get me wrong, I no longer embrace the razor, but there are nights I force myself to stay awake just so I can feel trashed the next day. I trick myself into thinking that people are what I want them to be, just so I can be disappointed when I finally recognize who they really are. What do all these pills do? They give me the strength to leave the house. They take the edge off, like a well placed shot of vodka to my psyche. And still, no end in sight. I wonder if I'll reach the 1 million mark.
Kasey
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